#LESLEY GORE: Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows PAT: I drew you in the sweepstake for the beauty contest, Barb.

-So pull out all the stops, will you?

-Oh, it's just a laugh, Pat.

My money is on Janice Allstrop, she's got a bigger beehive.

#LESLEY GORE: Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows MAYOR: And what a feast for the eyes.

You lucky girls, my good lady wife was going to enter the competition.

Pulled out because of her bunions.

I jest.

A former Miss Blackpool herself, believe it or believe it not.

Girls, be warned, kiddies and cream buns, that's what happened.

You're no oil painting yourself.

But you didn't marry me because I was an oil painting, my love, whereas, well, that was the whole point of you.

MAYOR CHUCKLES Give us a smile, love.

MAYOR: It looks like we have a decision.

In third place... Sandra Holt!

-MAYOR: Well done, Sandra.

-MAN: Well done, Sandra.

-MAN 2: Well done.

-WOMAN: Well done, Sandra.

Applause please for our runner up.

Hopefully she won't be running anywhere in those heels.

Janice Allstrop.

Yeah, well done, Janice.

WOMAN 2: Congratulations.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for.

AIDEN: Oh, crikey, Mr. Parker.

It's down to the wire.

Hold your nerve, Aiden, hold your nerve.

In first place, the Belle of Blackpool 1964 is Barbara Parker!

CROWD CHEER MAYOR: Well done, Barbara.

MAN 3: Congratulations, Mr. Parker.

Thank you.

The Belle of Blackpool.

Very good.

- BARBARA GASPS - MAYOR CHUCKLES Barbara Parker, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you.

Well done, love.

Len Phillips, Evening Gazette.

So are we the immediate family?

-I am her father, George Parker.

-MARIE: Excuse me.

-P-A-R-K-E-R. -Excuse me.

I am related too, thank you very much.

Who's this?

The queen mother?

I am most certainly not her mother, I am her Aunt Marie.

-And this young buck is Aiden.

-Barbara's fiance.

Oh, I won't write that.

I don't want to break the heart of every lad in Blackpool.

I am here, if you want to ask me anything.

No, thanks.

I make the rest up.

All right then, out of the way.

Let's go for the money shot.

Stick your chest out, love.

You could be a glamor girl, the next Sabrina.

GEORGE: Oh, come on now, Barbara, say cheese.

LEN: I sometimes shout out knickers, just to shake things up.

You'll have to get used to my comical sense of humor.

Opening supermarkets, hospitals, dog shows.

You're gonna have a very busy year.

# ROSETTA HIGHTOWER: Big Bird BARBARA: Dear Dad, saying goodbye to you was the toughest thing I've done since learning long division.

But I had to go.

It's now or never.

Tell Aiden he's got full permission to hate me.

But I've got this feeling in my gut that life's got something more in store for me than being Miss Blackpool Belle.

And now is my chance to find out what.

Dad, it's soft to say I love you, so I won't.

But I do.

I'll write as soon as I am settled.

Bright lights, here I come!

-Good morning, madam.

-WOMAN: Good morning.

BARBARA: Mother of the bride, is it?

Well, perhaps this hat might suit madam better.

WOMAN: I like this one.

What do you think?

Have you ever seen a dead badger on the side of the road?

I beg your pardon?

Well, you did ask.

She did ask, didn't she?

Is there a problem, Barbara?

No, no, Ms. Sykes, I was just explaining to madam that this hat makes her head look a little bit like... Roadkill.

BARBARA: Yeah.

So sorry, madam.

She's from up north.

-I was just being honest.

-Honest?

Honest.

The only honest opinion madam requires is to be told that the hat, any hat, looks absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Sorry, Ms. Sykes, it won't happen again.

WOMEN LAUGH WOMEN LAUGH Whoa, hazard warning.

That chicken sandwich has been there like two weeks.

Oh, it smells a bit ripe.

Ripe?

Surprised it hasn't grown legs and run out clucking.

Marjorie.

Shoes.

Barbara.

Hats.

-WOMAN: There you are.

-Yeah, you've got a face for hats.

Oh, you haven't seen me in a bobble hat, I look like a boiled egg in a tea cozy.

COOK: Alright my love?

-So do you know this lot then?

-MARJORIE: No, not personally.

I can tell which departments they work in though by looking at them.

Starting at the top.

-Of the building?

-The league table.

-COOK: Here you go, Marj.

-Cheers, Julie.

Now over here we've got ladies fashion and couture, first division.

They all went to Lucy Clayton Modeling School, they all talk posh, they all walk like they've got a stick up their arse.

Never seen one of them eat.

Perhaps they shovel down the pies when they get home.

Oh, no, they don't go home, no.

They party all night with pop stars.

-See the red head?

-Yeah.

-She went on a date with a Beatle.

-No!

Yeah.

It's just the drummer though, so... Next floor down, you've got make-up.

So you can be pretty and, like, short, but you can't have the wonky teeth.

Well no, who wants buy lippy off someone with a gob like Ken Dodd?

Now, over here we've got perfume.

Law unto themselves that lot.

What do you mean?

Men come in to buy gifts for their ladies, yeah?

They ask the girls to spritz it on themselves, so they can smell it.

That's Millie; one geezer sniffed all the way up to her armpit.

Then he gave it a lick.

And that's you, hats.

So what are we in hats?

Bottom of the league table?

No, no, that's us, in shoes.

Whoops, sorry.

(WHISPERS) I could kill her.

Now you'll find us in the basement, just follow the cheesy pong.

Thanks for the rundown, Marjorie.

Hey, it's Marj.

If you want.

Marj.

Where are you living?

Bed and breakfast.

Just moved down from Blackpool.

Blackpool?

Is that why you talk funny?

From where I am standing you're the one who talks funny.

I am from Croydon, we all sound like this.

See you!

Hey, look, I...

I've got a room in Earls Court.

-Good for you.

-What... No, I am...

I mean, you can move in, if you like.

I am looking for a flatmate, so...

Okay.

#LAUREL AITKEN: Landlords and Tenants BARBARA: Hi!

Hi.

-Hiya.

-MARJORIE: Alright?

You've got so much stuff.

BARBARA: It's mainly hair spray.

Careful.

Okay.

-You coming?

-BARBARA: Yeah.

BARBARA GROANS Girls, this is Barbara.

-Hiya.

-GIRL: Hi.

Hi.

MARJORIE: One more flight.

BARBARA: You said that three flights ago.

Come in.

Oop.

Welcome to Maison a la Marj.

What?

MARJORIE: Kitchen's just there, this is the bedroom.

That's my bed, this is your bed here, by the window.

I can't sleep in a draft because of my adenoids.

MARJORIE SNORES BARBARA: Mayday, mayday, London calling, it's groovy here, Dad.

I've landed on my feet in a swanky penthouse flat.

TRAIN RUMBLES PAST By night you'll find me enjoying cocktail and witty repartee.

By day I've got a job in the West End giving high class ladies expert advice on fancy hats.

Absolutely perfect.

It's bit different to rolling sticks of rock, although I sometimes miss the heady pong of sugar up me nose.

Say hello to Auntie Marie, and tell her I've still got ideas above me station.

Oh, no.

You never know, I could be the biggest thing to come out Blackpool since you know who.

And the you know whats.

Big kiss, Dad.

Ying tong iddle i po, LUCILLE BALL ON TV: Vitameatavegamin.

Hello, friends, I am your Vitameatavegamin girl.

Are you tired?

Run down?

Listless?

Do you poop out at parties?

Are you unpopular?

The answer to all your problems is in this bittle lottle.

Little bottle.

Good, I haven't missed it.

Oh, what are we having for our tea tonight?

Well, depends what you're cooking.

Marj!

Would you stop using my best saucepan to boil your pants?

How else am I meant to get the stains out?

I've spent an hour at the launderette, why didn't you come?

MARJORIE: Because I don't want strangers staring at me knick-knocks.

BARBARA: At least I caught a bit of Lucille Ball.

So that was a bonus.

Hey, maybe we should get a telly?

I am not watching that I Love Lucy lady, she gets me all wound up.

Pulling funny faces and falling on her backside.

What kind of job is that?

That's worse than working in shoes.

I'd love to get paid to muck about.

-What?

On telly?

-Yeah.

Why not?

-You want to be an actress?

-Well, maybe, I don't know.

My dad says that actresses are no better than common prostitutes.

-Is your dad a vicar from Victorian times?

-No, he works at the car plant.

THEY GROAN MARJORIE: Bloody hell.

Never mind a telly, we haven't even got enough money to pay the meter.

Hey, give me some change.

BARBARA: I splashed out on the tumble dryer.

MARJORIE: What are we gonna do now?

BARBARA: Hang on.

It's just started.

RADIO ANNOUNCCER: The Awkward Squad was written by... (MIMICKING) Bill Gardiner and Tony Holmes, and... RADIO ANNOUNCER: Directed and produced by Dennis Mahindra!

Dennis Mahindra!

Captain Smythe was played by Clive Richardson!

CAPTAIN SMYTHE ON RADIO: Who's in charge here?

-You are.

-BARBARA: You are.

MARIE: I've got a family of six arriving from Glasgow tomorrow.

I haven't got time to be cooking and cleaning up after you.

Marie, just leave it.

Go and see to your guests at Seagull's Hall.

Nook, Seagull's Nook.

And you'll do your washing and run a vacuum round too?

-I'd like to see that.

-GEORGE: I'll do it later.

Just leave it.

It may have escaped your notice, but she's the same age as her mother when she left.

She's not going to disappear like Gloria.

She needs to spread her wings, that's all.

That won't be all she's spreading if she's not careful.

Marie, please.

She... she can handle herself.

Just because we didn't get any chances doesn't mean to say she shouldn't.

You made her think she's something special.

-But she is.

-Now she's swanned off to London like she's above the lot of us.

-She doesn't mean it like that.

-What was wrong with Aiden?

I was there for sausage this morning, I was mortified.

If she played her cards right, she could have been betrothed to the best looking butcher in Blackpool.

Well... CAPTAIN SMYTHE ON RADIO: Keep out of this Private Privates.

WOMAN ON RADIO: I didn't realize it was private.

CAPTAIN SMYTHE ON RADIO: Excuse me, who's in charge here?

WOMAN ON RADIO: You are.

Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Absolutely perfect!

Absolutely perfect.

I love it.

How do I get from this to this?

You could always apply for a promotion to the perfume counter.

Millie saw Jimmy Tarbuck in the London Palladium.

Blimey.

Do they get paid loads more in perfume?

Don't be a twerp.

She ain't got money for a ticket.

But her gentleman friend has.

All the girls on perfume get taken to shows by gentlemen friends.

You'd have no trouble reeling one in.

Barbara, darling, thanks so much for this.

No problem.

-Need to pop to the clinic for clap cream.

-Yeah.

He looks like he might be on the prowl.

Go on, Barb darling, give him an eyeful.

Right.

Do you know what Marilyn Monroe said when asked what she wore in bed?

No.

Chanel No.

5.

Oh, she'd have got terrible chilblains on a nippy night in Norbreck.

MS SYKES: Barbara, dear.

BARBARA GASPS I wasn't aware you'd been transferred to parfum.

Yep, temporarily.

Millie had to pop to the clinic.

-What for?

-Clap... ping.

Clap, clap, clapping cream.

She can't clap 'cause her hands are red raw, a terrible affliction, can't clap.

-You were recommending this?

-Yes.

-It's a lovely eau de toilet.

-Toilette.

That's the one.

Well, I'd like to see how it smells.

Of course.

Allow me.

VALENTINE: Mm.

Mm.

Where's this Valentine Laws fella taking you then?

We're going to see Matt Monro at The Talk of the Town.

Fancy pants.

Next time I'll ask if he's got a friend.

What type do you fancy?

No type.

Get off!

Get off!

What are you gonna wear then?

Me smart dress.

Oh, nice, if you're going to a funeral.

Have you not got anything sparkly?

-BARBARA: Close your eyes.

-Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Where did you get that?

It was me mom's, she loved a bit of ballroom back in the day, so I am told.

What do you reckon?

You'll look like an explosion at a tinsel factory.

Well, what am I going to wear then?

You leave this one to me.

Psst.

Hey.

What was in the other bag?

Diet pills.

Dad sends them.

I usually flush them down the lav, but occasionally they come in handy.

# PETULA CLARK: Downtown TAXI DRIVER: Here you go, love.

You look ravishing.

-Campari and soda for the lady.

-Thanks.

Do I drink it or gargle it?

Come here often, do you?

Well, let's just say I have the occasional business rendezvous.

What do you do after you've done your business?

I beg your pardon?

Sorry, that sounded wrong.

I meant after the show, do you go backstage and mingle with the stars?

Or have a cocktail?

Don't you worry, I have plans for us later.

Valentine.

Is that you?

Sidney!

And your lovely lady wife.

Hello, Audrey.

What a nice surprise.

Aren't you going to introduce us?

Yes, this is Barbara, she's my... a secretary in my office.

She's nuts about Matt Monro, and when a ticket unexpectedly came up, she jumped at the chance.

Sidney, why don't we get the ladies a drink and then we can discuss business?

Would you excuse us?

-We've got a table.

-AUDREY: Yeah.

You're welcome to my Campari, Audrey.

I haven't touched it.

No?

I don't blame you.

It smells like toilet bleach.

He may not be wearing a ring, but he is married, you know?

Who?

Sidney?

You know who I mean.

He's married to Joan.

And they have two children.

But I don't expect your sort care much about that.

What sort is that, exactly?

A good time girl.

Out for what she can get from unsuspecting married men.

Come on, ladies, Matt Monro is about to begin.

How's your wife, Valentine?

She's a bit under the weather actually.

Hm.

I think I might have caught what she's got.

A touch of Having-The-Wool-Pulled- Over-Your-Eyes-itis.

It was nice to meet you, Audrey.

Sidney.

And, Valentine, send my commiserations to Joan.

HE STUTTERS -Oh, you leaving already?

-Don't ask.

Well, I like your dress.

Borrowed from work.

Turns out I needn't have bothered.

Plus it's about as comfortable as being sewn into a wind sock.

Bloody nightmare if you need a waz.

The ladies is that way.

Shout if you need help.

I'll hold your coat.

Soft, what light from yonder window breaks.

You can bugger off and all.

Hey, you don't remember me, do you?

We met at the first night of that Arthur Askey film you were in.

What a revelation.

I've not been in any film.

My dear, I am terribly sorry.

I could have sworn you were Sabrina.

Well, I am not bloody Sabrina!

You fellas might learn to tell us apart if you bothered to look above a woman's neck.

Might I buy you a drink by way of apology?

You've got to be joking.

I never joke.

Absolutely no sense of humor.

My name is Brian Debenham.

And this is my dear wife Patsy.

I say, you are awfully pretty, right up your street, Brian.

-Like Sabrina.

-She doesn't like to hear that.

And I don't like it when men try to pick me up while their wives are watching!

We're not trying to pick you up for kinky sex.

No, my dear, what I have got planned for you is much grubbier than that.

-Was it something I said?

-Everything.

Come on, Pats.

# MATT MONRO: Walk Away MUSIC STOPS Alone at last.

We both know what we're here for.

SHE STRUGGLES -What are you doing?

-I'll have what I paid for.

No!

No!

No!

# MATT MONRO: Walk Away HE GRUNTS HE GROANS Kick him in the cock!

VALENTINE GROANS SHE SIGHS HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Here, my business card.

He told you it was grubby.

Come and see me in the office sometime.

There's another opportunity for a girl like you.

Take a taxi home, darling.

The rain plays havoc with a hair piece.

Heavy night on the Babycham, was it?

How is our old pal Valentine?

Valentine was not a gentleman.

MUFFLED SHOUTS AND GROANS I think the word gentleman in gentleman friend is...

It's a bit like the word public in public school.

I should have warned you.

Those perfume fellas just want it on a plate.

Thought you'd know that.

Why, what's the matter?

You're not a virgin, are you?

-Are you?

-Shut up!

The point is, you don't look like a virgin, so you should probably expect fellas to have a crack.

No, Marj, the point is, it's one thing choosing to go with a fella, it's quite another thing when a man thinks it's his for the taking.

Right, well... Come on, missus, get your clobber on.

We're late for work.

Actually, Marj... could you drop the dress back with ladies fashion?

I am not up to hats today.

MARJORIE SIGHS BARBARA SIGHS Sorry, Marj, but I've only got enough coppers for me weekly call with my dad.

Well...

He says patience is a virtue.

He's not the one that's sitting in the cold eating pilchards from a tin.

MARIE (WHSIPERS): Perfect timing.

George, look who's just dropped by with a lovely bit of... tripe.

Hey, Mr Parker.

All right, Aiden.

Would you like a cuppa, Aiden?

I'd love one.

I am absolutely parched.

Where are your manners?

Go and make Aiden a cup of tea.

I'll wait for... George?

HE SIGHS PHONE RINGS -Barbara, it's me.

-Aiden!

What are you doing there?

What are you doing there?

You've made your point.

It's time to stop faffing around and come home.

Please, I need to speak to my dad.

TELEPHONE BEEPS Here, here.

Give me the phone.

-Dad?

Dad, are you there?

-Hey, Barbara?

Mayday, Mayday!

Hey, how was Matt Monro?

Dad... TELEPHONE BEEPS COIN DROPS Are you all right, love?

Remember, if at first you don't succeed, come home and... TELEPHONE BEEPS LINE CUTS OUT No!

# BRENDA LEE: Pretend INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION BRIAN: I don't think we were properly introduced.

BARBARA: I am Barbara Parker.

Why are you here, Barbara Parker?

You gave me your business card.

No, I mean, here in London.

Tell me about yourself.

Oh, um...

I was born in Blackpool, and I came to London to be... someone.

Anyone in particular?

(AS LUCILLE BALL) "Are you tired?

Listless?

Run down?

Do you poop out at parties?

Are you unpoopular?

Then try Vitameatavegamin."

Goodness gracious me.

Do you not know Lucille Ball?

What on earth has dear Lucille got to do with anything?

Wonderful legs, of course, but unfortunately, she was forced to make faces in order to pay the rent.

No.

You, you have something different.

You have star quality.

HE CHUCKLES Would you like an egg?

No, thank you.

Um, are you the agent of all these famous people?

Many have sat where you are sitting.

At some point in their careers.

And the others, I... pin up for inspiration.

So let's get cracking.

We don't want the bloom to go off the rose, do we, Barbara?

Any relevant experience?

Me dad says I am good at doing voices.

Well, we'll be sure to put that on your curriculum vitae.

No experience at all.

Not unless you count being Miss Blackpool Belle.

Miss Blackpool Belle?

Well, now you're talking.

That is something I can work with.

Local beauty queen, our very own Cinderella.

I love it.

So can I give up me job at Lewis Peters?

Well, let's not do anything rash.

Barbara.

Barbara, what did you say your name was?

-Parker.

-Barbara Parker.

Barbara is ever so slightly provincial.

What do you think of Sophie?

-Do I know her?

-No, I mean, the name Sophie.

Now how about Sophie Straw?

It's modern, it's fresh, it's alliterative.

It's like Sandy Shaw.

Sophie Straw?

-Sounds like a type of animal feed.

-Precisely.

If even I, a happily married man, deeply in love with his wife, ends up thinking about rolls in the hay with Sophie Straw.

Imagine what all the unhappily married men will feel like?

"Rolls in the hay"?

Well, figuratively speaking.

I'll be Sophie, I suppose.

If you think it will help me get a job.

Wonderful news, to that end I'll ask Patsy, my wife, to go out shopping with you for a lovely gingham bikini.

Bikini?

It's coming on winter.

Yeah, you can wear it for your auditions.

So that everyone can see your lovely shape.

If I wanted to shimmy about in my swimmers I could have stayed in Blackpool.

Are you telling me you actually want to act?

-Well... -That's it.

Well, we'll send you out on some auditions, with words, and we'll call it a trial period.

A trial period, no bikinis.

Yet.

Ever.

SHE LAUGHS -Pats, will you get me the toast?

-Of course.

Butter on both sides?

# SWINGING BLUE JEANS: Hippy Hippy Shake # With the hippy hippy shakes!

Fancy a cuppa?

-I've got news.

-I've got news too.

-Shall I go first?

Or... -You got the sack.

Sykes told me to give you that letter and tell you not to come back.

How did she know about the dress?

She saw it.

Apparently when they took it out of the bag in ladies fashion, it was so crispy that it stood up on its own.

-Did you get in trouble?

-MARJORIE: No.

Sykes gave a talking to all the girls in perfume, make up and fashion about loose morals.

-Oh, God, this is awful.

-I know.

She didn't bother with us in shoes because apparently we're not at risk.

Rude.

Well, in that case it's just as well that I got myself a theatrical agent.

BARBARA LAUGHS Whoo!

DIRECTOR: It's a brand new farce called Move Over Madam, and your character is a flighty young debutant whom the male lead Nigel is keen to tup.

He is, of course, prevented from doing so by his shrewish hag of a wife.

Page 23, scene four.

And... action!

For extra penetration, wash your whites in Ripples.

Mmm.

Ripples, for when things get really filthy.

"No, Nigel!

We can't do it here!

-Not with your wife upstairs."

-DIRECTOR: Stop!

Her shape's all wrong for our brand.

I am sorry, not this time, darling.

DIRECTOR: Are you trying something?

-What?

What do you mean-- -I mean, that, there, the accent.

Not an accent, it's how I talk.

Oh, dear.

Hiya.

Maybe you should try over there?

#BARBARA LYNN: You'll Lose A Good Thing BARBARA: I am either the wrong type, the wrong shape, or just plain wrong.

Perhaps our accent is holding us back?

I thought kitchen sink drama was all the rage.

For angry young men, dear.

Nobody wants an angry young woman galumphing around the stage beating her breasts like an orangutan.

I can't help feeling we've rather run out of options on the... speaking part front.

PATSY SPEAKS ON PHONE IN BACKGROUND Go to this address, tell them I sent you.

And if you don't get this part, I am afraid our trial period is over.

I'd rather be cleaning toilets.

Beryl Charlton from TV Center about the casting for Dining In.

Not a happy bunny.

-A very good morning to you too, Beryl.

-BERYL: How dare you?

I'm casting the role of the virgin bride.

The girl you sent to the audition was six months' pregnant.

I'm humiliated.

I am sorry you feel that way.

I shan't require your services.

PATSY: It's just a silly old comedy playhouse, no money to be made there, darling.

Only a playhouse, comedy shit house, pardon my French.

Comedy playhouse?

I'd love to do one of those.

Why didn't I think of that?

Look at this.

"Cicely is well spoken, petite, brunette, the varsity educated daughter of a fucking clergyman!

Of course, you're perfect casting!

PATSY: Deep breath.

Deep breath, darling.

Shall we loosen your truss?

Yes, I spent my whole life... ANNOUNCER: The Awkward Squad was written by Tony Holmes and Bill Gardiner.

Directed and produced by Dennis Mahindra.

Hello.

SHE PANTS DENNIS: Thank you so much, Marcia.

Marvellous work, as always.

We'll be in touch.

-Could you show Marcia out?

-Of course.

We can catch up on all the theater gossip.

I hear there's been much ado about nothing over Richard Burton's Hamlet.

BERYL CHUCKLES Hi.

-Hello?

-My goodness!

Um... -Sorry.

-No, sorry.

Yes.

I haven't missed it, have I?

The audition?

I just saw Beryl in the corridor and she said to get a wriggle on.

Beryl said that?

Oh, gosh, I am so sorry, Miss...

Sorry.

We weren't expecting anyone else.

My agent definitely arranged for me to meet you at 20 past.

Beryl said to start without her.

I am Sophie Straw.

Dennis.

Dennis Mahindra.

Mr. Mahindra!

I've listened to every single Awkward Squad.

It's the best thing since sausages.

-Sorry, I don't know what that means.

-Well, thank you.

Could you give me just one moment?

Apparently, there's one more young lady for us.

Jesus, seriously?

I thought we all decided on Marcia Bell.

You might have decided on Marcia Bell on the basis that you want to fuck her.

-That ship's already sailed.

-But we haven't decided, right, Tony?

She looks right for the part.

She's a very good classical actress, but is she funny?

-No.

-She doesn't have to be funny.

I am funny.

The script's funny.

In places.

Steady on.

You almost gave the writers a compliment.

I take it back.

Fascinating as this discussion is, can we hear the lady read?

We've got to be out of this room by 6 p.m. Bring her in.

Surely she can't be more wrong for the part than the other 20 we've seen.

Hi, everyone.

CLIVE LAUGHS -I am so sorry, Ms.

Straw.

Please.

-Abject apologies.

For some stupid reason, I imagined Cicely as the well educated, upper class, petite, brunette daughter of a vicar.

I am brunette, honest.

Under the peroxide.

I know I don't look like how you imagine Cicely, but you lot don't look like how I imagined.

I thought you'd all be tweedy posh lads with pipes.

-You're Clive, aren't you?

-Yes, you've seen me on the stage.

-Did you catch his Coriolanus?

-No, I had the vaccine.

THEY LAUGH Sorry.

No, I recognized his voice from The Awkward Squad.

Captain Smythe.

Described by one critic as having the most irritating voice since Peter Sellers as Bluebottle.

-And he's not even putting it on.

-Are you Bill or Tony?

I am Bill.

That's got to be a first.

Usually nobody knows the writers names until they've read their obituary.

Chaps, shall we push on and let Ms.

Straw read?

Yes, do let's hear her read.

What have you prepared?

Prepared?

Well, I didn't really have time.

SHE MIMICS THE THEME TUNE (MIMICKING ANNOUNCER) The Awkward Squad was written by Bill Gardiner, Tony Holmes and produced by Dennis Mahindra.

(IN RASPY VOICE) Sparky was played by An Actor.

And... (GIGGLING) Private Privates was played by... SHE GIGGLES somebody private?

(MIMICKING ANNOUNCER) Captain Smythe was played by Clive Richardson!

(WHISPERS) What the... DENNIS: Ah, Beryl, perfect timing.

We were just auditioning Sophie.

-Who?

-Sophie Straw.

Spoke to her in the corridor?

I gather she's on your list?

She most certainly is not.

We've never met.

Sophie, I thought you said-- Yeah, I rather think you've been made a fool of, Dennis.

As if we'd ever cast someone like her.

Sorry.

Hold on.

Please let me.

Thank you.

SUGAR TOWN BY NANCY SINATRA PLAYS INSIDE